The Jesus Rolls

Filmology Rating: 1.5 out of 4

'The Jesus Rolls' is the sequel to 'The Big Lebowski' that nobody asked for that came twenty years too late. The film is brought to you by John Turturro who wrote, directed and reprises his role as Jesus Quintana. The film is the cinematic equivalent of a gutter ball.

Jesus (Turturro) and his best friend -- but also gay lover but also not?? -- Petey (Bobby Cannavale), spend the eighty minute runtime either stealing vehicles or having three ways. The objective of the film is to get a female character, Marie (Audrey Tautou), to finally achieve an orgasm for the first time.

This is what happens when the Coen Brothers aren't there. The Coens have a very particular style that's very hard to replicate. This is the result of trying to replicate that style with no real guiding hand.

To summarize the film, it's very awkward and uncomfortable. The dialogue and performances feels exactly like someone trying to write Coen Brother-esc characters, which just leads to some odd performances.

It's just very hard to look at this film on its own because it's the sequel to 'The Big Lebowski.' Regardless of that or not, 'The Jesus Rolls' is just awful. It's my least favorite kind of movie; not just a bad comedy, but a film that solely relies on quirky and weird to the point of utter annoyance.

It's not just the type of comedy that's not funny, it's the kind that's so unfunny that it's painful. Even at eighty minutes, it felt so long. I'd be curious to know if the film was cut down a lot or not because Google puts this film at two hours, but it's barely ninety minutes as it is now. That leads to the other issue with the film: it makes no sense.

Nothing happens in the film. It is completely plotless and void of any story. Things just sort of happen and they happen for no reason. Jesus and Petey keep stealing cars for no reason. Every scene in this film is completely disposable and connects to nothing. It's definitely the most incomprehensible film of the year.

Perhaps twenty years ago, people would care about a sequel to 'The Big Lebowski,' but John Turturro and everyone else just looks so old. Christopher Walken even shows up for one scene and it's almost identical to when Cameron Mitchell shows up in B-movies for one scene and sits behind a desk, then collects his paycheck.

So Jesus and his friend Petey drive around in cars with their special lady friend, Marie, who admits to never achieving an orgasm before. So she agrees to have Jesus and Petey tag team her in the bedroom. However, they can't get her to orgasm. It's not until Pete Davidson shows up does Marie finally achieve an orgasm. That's the central conflict of the film.

Turturro himself is such a mystery to me. He's been in great films like Spike Lee's 'Do The Right Thing,' he's always been a Coen Brother regular, but then went to being in Adam Sandler comedies, then 'Transformers.' I can't figure John Turturro out.

'The Jesus Rolls' is a painful experience that is both incomprehensible and uncomfortable; I think I hated it. I suppose if you want to watch it, you can literally rent it for ninety-nine cents.

Rating: Let It Burn

-Nolan